The Seesaw Feeling-Finding the Shaky Balance

Written By: Joe Amelio

Every other Monday. Every Wednesday.  Every other weekend. Oh, then there’s the holidays. Oh wait, almost forgot…there’s the infamous summer schedule too.

It’s Friday!

These are the best days of my life. I awake enlightened and with a “carpe diem” approach. I have an extreme sense of being superior, even untouchable. Feeling on top of the world. Reborn.  Most importantly, I feel like these days have purpose. All I seem to think about is you. I wish you didn’t have school. I wish I didn’t have work these days. Maybe that would make up for the time you and I are apart. I go to work ecstatic. Not because I take delight in work, but because I know that in under nine hours, I will be with my best friend. My pride and joy. I truly cherish every moment I have with you.

When I pick you up from school, I get anxious. One might think I would only  feel like this the first time I picked you up from school. The second time. The third time. Maybe a fourth time. This has been going on for seven years. My stomach churns as I knock on the door to your after school program. I overhear your teacher calls out your name. “Ella, your Dad is here!” She opens the door. I hear short, quick footsteps as you yell “Daddy” and give me an enormous hug. From that moment on, there is no emptiness inside. No anxiety. Life completely makes sense at that instant. We travel the world. My favorite is the movies you love to see that I will “pretend” to enjoy. More often than not, these are 3D movies that I LOVE wearing the glasses to. Not because I love 3D movies, but because I can doze off during the boring movies while holding you and you never knowing! The most enjoyable times are right before bedtime. Joking around, making videos, taking photos, pillow fights, prayers, reading aloud, giving you a kiss and a hug goodnight. Those are the things that matter most. The little things. Things we will remember forever.

Then BAM!

It’s Sunday night. 5:30PM.

That feeling is back. Anxiety hits once again. My hand is shaking a little bit. I walk aimlessly as I get your things together. I hate this moment. I feel like I am saying goodbye, but I have to convince myself it’s only “see you later.” I give you the biggest hug and kiss ever…walk away with a smile. Even though I am fighting tears at all costs. I will never show how much it hurts to leave you, even for a day. I always promised myself I would never let you see it. This moment, seven years ago, led me to fully understand you never know what is going on inside someone’s head. Inside their heart. I know I am not the only one who hides the truth behind a smile. I tell myself..”Its fine, I will see her in a few days.”

I enter my home. That sip of coffee doesn’t seem to the same. Work, an eight hour per day affair, feels like it has suddenly been extended twofold. I forget about the important phone call I needed to make. Normal routines are insignificant, easily forgettable, and even nonexistent.  I don’t know why this is so hard. I should be used to this after seven years. But, then again, I doubt I will ever get used to this. I sit back and wonder what I could’ve done differently. I have a list tucked away. Deep inside. But life happens. It puts you in a position to make decisions, right or wrong, and you roll with the punches.

Slipping into a slight depression feels like falling down a dark bottomless shaft, leaving me wondering if and when your fall will ever be caught. As  you look back to where you fell from—which is where you know you need to get back to—you can see it receding further into the distance, the proverbial light becoming dimmer and dimmer, while the shaft into which you are falling becomes deeper, darker, and all the more enveloping. Each time I am without you, I fight to see the light, each second, each minute, each hour, and each day.

I have trouble sleeping each night without you. I miss waking up next to you. I miss you pulling the blanket off of me and onto you. I miss reminding you to brush your hair, your teeth, and to give me three kisses in the car before you go to school!  I miss your smile, your insisting watching the IPad during breakfast. Your unbelievable sense to know how important you are to me. The bond we have. I miss it all..that is until the moment I see you again….

It’s never goodbye, remember that. I promise it will always be “see you later.” The see-saw sentiment of happiness/sadness is one I must bear forever. However, I am forever thankful the rise far outweighs anything the plunge can bring forth.

Author: jamelio0410

Father. Brother. Uncle. Coach. View all posts by jamelio0410