A Letter To Myself!

Had writers block for some time now..

You just finished watching an episode of Homeland. For those who are fans, you know when tragedy struck Abu Nazir and his son died, he went into hiding contemplating his next move. Thinking of a plan. Totally different situation, but the tragic part essentiall occurred. Always has you thinking “What’s your next move?” Or “What is the timing of that move?” There is no guideline. No layout for health, love, and happiness. 
You have always been someone who just wanted to be heard. Accepted. Appreciated. Most important loved. Not just from family. Not from friends. Something significantly more. You may not show it all of the time but you think it’s a goal of essentially every man. No one wants to be alone. Feeling like it’s you against the world. Eating dinner alone. Celebrating alone. Going to war with life alone. Going through your father’s death alone.
You find yourself in your own thoughts. A rut. You do things to people they don’t deserve. You find an outlet, good and bad, just to get by, hurting people in the process. You confuse who you are and who you want to be. You lost yourself in the process. The walls feel like they’re caving in. Friends help, until you go home. Then it’s just you in the dark. In your bed. Alone with your thoughts. The questions you ask yourself make you realize that you’re just hard to love. 

The reasons why slowly come to you. You have a history of hurting people. Remember when you were married at the young age of twenty-two? How you could’ve had the world in your hands? You had it good. Yes, you were young and stupid, but mistakes burn. They change your life. The family you created fell apart. It has taken you forever to create your own life. You can’t lie though, you have done a hell of a job at that. But why did you crush under pressure to begin with? Why did you crumble when circumstances got tough? You let Ella down when you gave up on the life you brought her into. You are spending the rest of your life creating something you certainly had set already. You lay in your bed knowing you are a great dad, but we’re a bad husband. 

Your time alone is important. But you don’t make ANY time for that. You work nine hours. Coach for 5 hours. Eat and sleep. Spend time with Ella. You wonder why you sit home at night alone? Wonder why you feel life is flying by? You don’t make family parties. 

It’s your fault. You could do it differently. You choose not to. Maybe you’re not the happiest guy in the room anymore. Maybe you never were. Keep lying to yourself. Keep lying to everyone. In due time, you might lose sight of everything. You might just lose everything. All that you relied on might be gone in the blink of an eye. 

But you won’t let that happen. Your eyes have opened. You are open to new things. A new life. You want to change. You want to make someone laugh. Smile. Cry. Yell at you. Be a role model for Ella. Not a Mom. She has one. A great one..parents may not see eye to eye all of the time. Especially ones that aren’t together anymore. But you have all of the confidence in the world of her love for Ella and the trust you have in her to make right decisions with you!

You would do so many things differently, but that’s what life is about. It’s not about what you built and then crumbled. It’s about picking the rubbish up, learning what you did wrong, and rebuilding it better than ever. You will find someone who appreciates how giving you are. How much you have to offer. How many you do for your family. Your community. For every kid you coach and have appreciation for. How you would bend over backwards to lift a person up. How you just want to love someone. To build your own family. To no longer have dinner alone. Dinner for two some nights. Dinner for three on others. Most importantly, someone to smile at and kiss goodnight. To say I love you before you go to sleep. To give flowers to. To leave notes for. To make fun of. 

It will come. You’re ready for it now. Everyone and everything in the past has helped create someone who will not give up. You will find what you need and more. It will come right before you eyes. Stay the course. Be a great dad, and you will have your chance to be a great husband. Just don’t give up. 
You’re hard to love, but not unloveable. Remember that.